Like I said I over think so I couldn’t sleep until I sent this its long and incredibly vulnerable but I think it curated well what I felt I needed to say.
Im sorry I feel I said a lot in my head with no filter. I think a lot of what I said was fiddled with emotion and even when hearing myself speak I knew I was wrong. I think a lot of what I feel is self inflicted. And I deeply want to apologize for inflicting any sort of burden or toxicity and negativity. They were things I wish I would have left in my head because like I said they are all unreasonable and unfiltered thoughts that through emotion I forgot to control. They are all how my mom says dramatic and perhaps reflect some form of my father I don’t want to be so I rather not talk about it. Obviously what I said was somewhat true but a lot was also unreasonable and dramatic.
Since a outbreak certain to happen again I rather the next time you leave me to cry so I may then curate myself and reflect rather than be an toxic and a burden. Even if it may not be this way its how I see it and it most likely result in more self hatred and regret. As is present in this message I am well curated and have had time to reflect and feel better I guess I did need to cry and explode but next time cause they’re probably will be. Let me weep so I may reflect and not say anything which will cause any infliction on you I think thats how you can be the most supportive.
That note was written out of exhaustion because I was tired of living with myself it was a point were I hated myself honestly it’s stupid because I had no reason to be so harsh and write something like it cause my life is great but like I said it was done out of exhaustion and It can’t be blamed on nobody but myself. It was a point were I hated myself and felt hopeless for the way I was and thought that thing would be smoother after I committed what came after that note. I had and have a voice in my head a bully that hates EVERY part of me and I hated myself even more for validating the voice and accepting it instead of trying to fight it. It was like I was rummaging in pity, hating myself for hating myself because I knew I had no reason to. So thats why I wrote that note to end it all together. And honestly I still have the voice, everyday it calls out my flaws and insecurities,fear and sometimes it gets to me hard. Thats when you catch me crying hard, but I think I’m better although better is a slippery road and sometimes I fall into the same thing again and I know it doesn’t help when you don’t talk about it. Thats why I’m trying to come to terms with what happened because I always hate and invalidate the way I felt or feel. I have gone through comparably nothing and thats what I hate the most that I was so weak and turned to something so harsh so quickly but honestly at the time that seemed easier than fighting to get better.